I was sitting in a train and observed the girl on the opposite-side seat. I was traveling backwards, she forwards. Behind her sat a few other people, two of whom I recognized. One of those two, a woman in her forties looked at me, then bent over and and whispered something to a fellow who faced the other way. After a while this person turned his head and gave of something of a cold smile. Meanwhile, the lady who had whispered to him said something to what probably was two other friends of them both. One of these, a guy in his mid thirties looked at me with mock envy. A woman, whom she had seemingly also addressed, turned around. She looked both haughty and insinuative of herself as virtuous in never having to be haughty. this frightened me.
The girl whom I at first had looked at seemed to notice that I was troubled. She wrinkled her eyebrows a little in concern. Then she tried to smile.
Looking at her I drew my breath. "I'm worried," I told her, in a voice that I hoped would not be heard by the people behind her back, "because those who sit behind you seem to fake that I try to pretend I'm their kind of a fellow, or something!"
She seemed concerned in more than one way about me saying this. In a sense, it seemed, we who had not met before, could preferably have nothing to say to each other. But in another sense she seemed concerned about me and what I was telling her.
"It seems to me that they try to pretend that I am into them as people I ask favors of," I told her. now I began feeling that there would perhaps be a point made against them if they did overhear me talking about them.
"Oh," the girl said. "Why do you tell me about it?"
I sighed. "Because I felt I had to grab the opportunity to say something about while it's happening. ... Also it's because there's a possibility, I hope, that you could care about it!"
There was a mumble from behind her. It seemed to startle her a little. Then she looked at me with a curious eye.
"Why do you look at me like that?" I asked.
"Because it seems that you could be someone they would take for granted as more real about pressuring them than there can be in you!"
"Right" I said. "I'm relieved that at least you can realize it"
She smiled. "Yeah! ... They said that you are about trying to manipulate them into thinking that you didn't have them fake about you that they would be swell and cool and so!"
"I don't feel that I want them to be about it, but I bet they would want me to feel gracious about them for it just the same!"
"Yeah, that could be so!" she answered.
"There's an absolute nonsense," I said, "to the weird gratitude I am supposed to have - and that I don't have. I only find it in me to sometimes be able to relate to it!"
She looked at me and answered. "How come then, those who insinuate that stuff don't find themselves aware of the fact that they thereby seem to believe, with no good reason for it, in lies that are similar to claims about themselves as stupid enough to never assume there's a check to be made or a certainty to be had?"
"It's because they don't feel that kind of self-disgust that I and probably you too would feel for having such an attitude!"
She looked thoughtful in a way that put me a bit of ease. "How come," she asked after a while, "do they affect you so easily?"
"There's a difficulty about them," I began; then I had to think for a while, before continuing: "I think it is that they do not feel guilt about not having gratitude at all, but still are able to insinuate that they, as opposed to for example me, would be able to know about guilt or not. At least I think it's that kind of a thing, but somehow they're to weird for me to be quite certain about!"
She thought about it. This time, to my relief, it didn't seem to insinuate that I should have to worry about something. "Do you know what? They do seem to be insinuating that they are welcome among all other people but those that they pretend aught to be grateful for seeming cool or self-assured in ways that you for one don't really care for doing."
"Then I would want it said about me that I don't represent such weird types of pride and vanity. Because they always seem to be insinuating that if I say I don't, then I am hiding something, somehow. I usually can't figure out what people believe I am about then, but they do become arrogant and tend to insinuate that they might have an asshole, to be dealing with, who slyly pretends to be ... an unusually worth it type of stuck up."
"Then I can speak to my sister and tell her to try to say that about you."
"Thanks you! Then perhaps their lies will be exposed as what they are!"
She looked at me and seemed to insinuate she wanted that resurrection for me. She then smiled and took her purse, rose from her seat and took two steps towards the door. There she turned to me and asked: "Why don't we meet again and try to talk about how come they're able to do such stuff?"
Grateful for this, I said: "Well of course! Sure! Let's meet again sometime!"
She took out her mobile phone and asked for my number. I told her and then she called my phone for half a second. I looked at her number on it, thanked her again and told her my full name. She told me hers and left. Two minutes later I waved at her at the station where she had gone off. She waved back briefly.
One day later I sent her an SMS that said: "Let's communicate via email. Because I think ther can be some misinterpretations between us otherwise."
She sent me hers, then i sent her mine.
A few weeks later I called her. After two signal she answered. "Sonya speaking!"
"Hey Sonya! It's Jim! Do you remember me? Ehm, I'm the guy who talked to you on the train. ... Uhm, oh. I hope I'm not calling at an inconvenient time for you!"
"Not quite," she said, "but a little. ... Perhaps I can call y9ou back later!"
"Tonight?"
"Yeah, OK, at seven."
When she called she told me about that her sister had tried to say something to some people I had mentioned in an email. "But it's not, "she said, "cool for them, it seems, to believe what she says about you!"
"I see," I answered thoughtfully. "Are they about cool as the type of faking that seems to free them - or some other people - from responsibility?"
She drew a deep breath. "I'm not sure about it! I'll ask my sister, then I'll call you back."
Almost half an hour later, she called again. "She said that they're only sort of cool about trying to feel that the truth is not a very important responsibility! Rather they seem to be into having it there's no truth without lying enough!"
I was startled. "Oh! That's what they think!"
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